Courting Satan
by ChikaiItachi
Summary: Satan: "I tried to start a garden-it was about 400 years ago-but I burned everything." Yuri: "What a tragic history you have, Mr. Satan." Satan: "Quit your freakin' sarcasm!" These are some of the conversations Rin's mother, Yuri, had while partly possessed by Satan. Some love, some humor, some Blue Exorcist world development, aaand some fluff. Dialogue only.
1. Deal with the Devil

"Ah, yes. This body's an excellent fit! Huh? The hell? What's that?"

"Excuse me. I request partial control of my mind so I can clearly express my thoughts."

"You vulgar human! How can you stay conscious when you're possessed? Well, whatever. You're a weird freakin' creature, so I'll give you some room- but just for a minute. There."

"Thank you, Mr. Satan. You were so anxious to find a body, you didn't let me introduce myself earlier. I'm Yuri Egin. Pleased to meet you."

"How are you able to stay so alert when possessed?"

"Haha. Yeah, I guess it must seem kind of strange. After all, Demons can only possess humans because they have a headstart in taking over the victim's mind when he's unconscious. Humans usually don't remember the time they spend possessed by Demons. It's like a dream to them."

"Right. So, as I said, how can you..."

"You could say I developed a tolerance. I've been possessed by tons of Demons before. I like to play with them. They went away on their own eventually. Anyway, each time I was possessed, I became a little better at keeping my mind and spirit grounded. I also practice lucid dreaming a lot."

"I don't know what lucid dreaming is, but that's not what's bugging me. You aren't burned by my flames. You have a tolerance to mind possession. Ok, I don't give a f***. But how can you stay alive in the first place?

"Oh, that's right; I guess you don't usually have human bodies that last long. Well, I think of it like this. I have an extra-large soul. I can contain your whole spirit without my soul breaking apart."

"I don't think soul size works like that, lady. Still, I'm actually kind of impressed you're alive. It's a first for me. Everyone I've ever tried to possess has just gone and died."

"Mr. Satan, you are quite adorable when you talk about your loneliness."

"Hey. I may not be a mortal, but I can tell when humans are using irony. Why are you so insolent, wench? I'm pretty sure I covered most of the human world with spirit-waves of fear associated with my name. You're either a really dumb bitch who doesn't know you should be afraid, or you're..."

"Oh, I know how dangerous you are, Mr. Satan. I'm simply an eccentric. It's always been my dream to see what the king of the demon world is like. I would really like it if we could get to know each other. After all, I should have the right to know the one I gave my body to."

"I don't give a flying f*** about 'getting to know' a human. I don't acknowledge you creatures as sentient beings. You can't think outside your programming. Hmph! Humans are just like weeds to me."

"Gasp! You compare an attractive young woman to a weed? That's unseemly for any lord, Mr. Satan."

"What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean attractive?"

"Ouch. Ok, think of this way. You might not like weeds, but don't you think flowers are pretty?"

"I don't know about flowers in Assiah, but Gehennan blooms are interesting. don't hate looking at them. Some Demons, like Greenmen, grow gardens. I tried to start a garden once- it was about 400 years ago- but I burned everything."

"What a tragic history you have, Mr. Satan."

"Quit your freakin' sarcasm! I know you're making fun of me!"

"Not at all, Mr. Satan. I brought it up because I want you to imagine me as a flower. The darkest, most poisonous, and hence most beautiful flower; that's me, the one you decided to possess. Since I'm such a rare and lovely little plant, shouldn't you treat me well? If you don't, the Greenmen will scorn you and rebel."

"I don't give a damn about the freakin' Greenmen. But I guess I could try to think of you as more of a flower."

"Flowers only bloom when they're happy, Mr. Satan. You have to do a few things to make me happy."

"Ha. I don't make promises with mortals. But go on. What do you want?"

"I want to be able to keep talking to you like this, Mr. Satan. For at least half the day, you must release my mind so I can think, and talk to you in my head. I also need control of my body when I cook and do chores. That will only be about three hours a day."

"You're saying you'll freely submit to anything else I make you do? Your 'condition' is only half a day of partial freedom talking at me?"

"That's the way to make your flower happy."

"You're a freaky human. Why do you accept me so easily?"

"Because I want to know just as much about Gehenna as you do about Assiah. Just as you've tried to possess kings to understand humans, I want to be with the king of Gehenna to understand him and his Demons."

"You can't be serious. You're this suicidal over such a crazy ideal?"

"Well then, I'll give you a different answer. Mr. Satan, I've decided to share my body with you. I freely gave it up. Well. When a man has his way with a woman's body, he has to take responsibility for that woman."

"I'm not following. What the hell do you want me to do?"

"Say that you'll court me, Mr. Satan. It is the proper way for a man and woman to learn about each other. Courting me is the least you can do after taking my body. At least I'm not asking you to marry me."

"That sounds really freakin' stupid to me, but since I came here to learn..."

"Alright then. The proper thing to do is call me Miss Egin. However, if you are suddenly overcome with passion, you can whisper, 'Sweet Yuri' into my ear."

"I'm calling you whatever the f*** I want whenever the f*** I want."

"I'll need to teach you some manners, Mr. Satan. Oh, by the way, since you're my beau, I'll stop being formal. Let's do this on a first name basis. Alright, my dear Satan?"


	2. Morning Chores

**Summary: Yuri incessantly makes fun of Satan during her morning chores. They both learn some things about each other.**

"Good morning, Satan. It's good to know you're keeping up your end of the deal and giving me freedom to think. I was thinking, Satan. You probably got bullied because of your other names. Did they call you Lucy or Bub? Weren't they afraid 'The Devil May Cry'? Hey, can I just call you Lucy?"

"Sigh. Lucifer is an angel who was cast out of the Christian God's Heaven. We're not related. Beezlebub is another name for the god Baal."

"That's an awfully calm answer. I expected you to scream like a fiery warlord."

"Give me a break. I'm not used to sharing thoughts with other beings."

"Don't you talk to other demons, Satan?"

"Not like this. I just relay what I want them to do with a form of demonic spiritual energy. You humans might not be able to see it."

"But you have several sons over in Gehenna. Do you not speak to them?"

"I guess, but it's not like we actually have conversation. They always run away or start fighting me without listening to me. When I manifest in Gehenna, I am usually a dragon perpetually giving off intense heat. My flames injure the boys because they can feel pain similar to humans. They think I'm trying to attack them."

"I bet the holidays are really rough in your family."

"Hey, what is it you're doing now? Did you just- huh? We look different. Oh, so this is human skin underneath the cloth."

"Don't stare, Satan. Your lady is changing clothes."

"I don't understand you humans' form of attraction, but objectively, it looks like you have a fairly healthy body. Maybe not the best for childbirth. But clearly able to live on your own as well as attract a partner."

"I'm flattered. But I'm courting YOU, Satan, so I won't be attracting any partners. What I'm doing now is folding the laundry so it's not wrinkled later, by the way."

"You humans are obsessed with clothes."

"If we went without clothes, we would be worse than demons showing off their tails. Besides, aren't you obsessed with clothes too? Don't you have a good fashion sense?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, the Devil wears Prada."

"... Don't try to be funny."

"Hey, Satan, weren't you created by both Testaments' Christian God?"

"Meh, it depends on who you ask. I don't f***ing know how my life started. I've been alive for, like, six thousand years. I can't remember shit from that long ago. Why do you want to know?"

"I'm just trying to learn more about you, the same way you're going to learn about me. What I'm getting ready to do now is called eating food."

"Bitch. I already know humans do that. They consume lots of crap to get nutrients and then shit out the extra matter. Though why they feel the need to do that is a mystery..."

"Humans will die if we don't eat, Satan. It may take days or it may take months, but deprived of food, we'll eventually die. We get very cranky from skipping just one or two meals."

"I'm still wrapping my mind around the idea of dying."

"Oh speaking of food. I made your favorite for a light lunch today."

"How can I have a favorite? I only started tasting food for the first time yesterday, through your body."

"No, it's definitely your favorite. It's Deviled Eggs. And for desert, I can make Devil's Food Cake."

"Was that supposed to be a joke too?"

"Sorry. Well anyway, why would God claim to create you?"

"Well, duh. I cause a lot of trouble for humans. God created me so he wouldn't be blamed for the entirety of Evil."

"I see. And then, God created bureaucrats, so YOU wouldn't be blamed for the entirety of Evil."

"Haha. Well, they do say the Devil comes in many forms. I've never been able to fully possess humans before you, but I've sent a lot of Satanic energy into a variety of people. Mother-in-laws, for example. Hey. What are you doing now?"

"I'm washing the dishes. I have to do this to remove germs, which can make humans sick. Germs are so small that I can't see them. I might be able to show you one under a microscope."

"If they spread disease in the human world, they're probably demonic in nature. After all, a lot of the world's problems can be blamed on me."

"Alas, I don't know why you commit such evils, my dear Satan. At least you take responsibility for it, though. Is it true you harm humans because you hate God?"

"Not really. I mean I do hate the Christian God, but that's not the main reason I cause problems for humans. God is just a spirit, capable of thriving in Assiah, who got too full of himself and tried to take over the human world. He's really conceited. Not fun at all to drink with. He's an angry drunk. Not fun to smoke with either. He gets paranoid that I'm trying to steal from him."

"I never knew that God and Satan smoked together. I get what you mean, though. The Christian God is real, but unlike the testaments claim, he's not the one true god. Being an Exorcist has taught me there's no one true deity; there are just tons of gods and demons. Still, don't tell the Vatican I said that, haha."

"You've done a f*** ton of chores this morning. I didn't know living alone for a human involved so much manual labor. Dressing, laundry, cooking, eating, washing. And I guess you would call it 'cleaning', the way you removed the dust off of things and swept the dirt off the floor. Why does everything need to be clean?"

"Because 'The Devil is in the Details.'"

"KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE LAME DEVIL JOKES BITCH."

"Alright, alright. I only have one more chore and then I can take it easy for today. I can always go to the market tomorrow. Ok, let's see, firewood..."

"Is that when you collect wood to burn to keep warm?"

"Yes indeed, my dear Satan. Is it interesting to you?"

"No. Don't bother with it. I'll use my flames to keep us warm. I can do it without burning your body. Chopping up logs and picking up sticks sounds like hell."

"You're one to talk. But alright, I accept. Thank you. It's only our second day together and my dearest is already keeping me warm. I might even get too hot. Is that your intention, to get me all hot and bothered? To excite me with your warmth? To envelope me in wreaths of flame and-"

"Don't say it so it sounds so dirty. Take me to the fireplace and I'll set something up."


	3. Markets and Paladins

**3: The Market and the Paladin**

 **Summary: Satan despairs at the human race as he and Yuri head home from the market in town. While there, they saw the new Paladin. This sparks some discussion about the Paladin that Satan knew centuries ago.**

 **With my (not-so-sincere) apologies to Romans 3:23, Romans 5:1, and Matthew Chapter 4. XD  
**

3***2**1*0

"So what did you think, Satan? Wasn't it nice to go into town and see the market?"

"Well, I did say I wanted to learn more about humans, but that was exhausting. Crowds really aren't my thing, unless I can control them all, of course."

"I see. If I were in your shoes, I would also hate crowds. I'd rather live like a mad hermit in a winter hut, in the middle of nowhere, without any internet or television."

"You're being sarcastic again, aren't you, bitch?"

"Nope. Not that time. I really am a mad hermit in the middle of nowhere, remember?"

"Well, I'm not sure which option is worse: being so alone I become a suicidal bitch like you, or dealing with so many new people and things that I lose my temper and burn them all. All the humans at the market were so stupid. Human concerns _are so stupid_."

"Satan, how many times do I have to explain? It's not stupid or trivial to us because humans need clothes, food, and supplies to live. We aren't immortal like you."

"That's not what I mean. I'm talking about the disparity between people."

"Ah yes, what a moralistic question to make one search the soul. Why do some people take more than they need? It only causes disparity. Some people were selling fancy sparkly hats while sitting their fat asses down in comfy chairs. Others were barely dressed and trying to trade their mother's jewelry for a piece of bread."

"That's also not what I mean. Disparity in wealth? I don't care. I'm a conqueror and a king, so I can live in luxury. I do, however, expect my generals, sons, and authorities in Gehenna to possess basic intelligence. Humans have vastly disparate intelligence."

"True. The man at the meats stall couldn't seem to do simple subtraction. I gave him thirteen Cardinal Coins, and the meat cost 8. That guy tried to give me four for my change. Seriously. Why are these people allowed in these jobs?"

"But then, some people were doing great business with few resources. They must have excellent business sense. Some people were smart enough, also, to trick customers into buying useless items. Remember they asked if we wanted some of the pots that our greens were grown in? He said we would save money growing our own things. Of course, we can't grow anything in the middle of winter. But that seller almost convinced me, all the same."

"You're just gullible. Good thing you've got me around, my poor naïve Satan. I bet that guy wasn't even talking about pots. He was probably talking about a certain plant for smoking. Oh, before I forget. Satan, what did you think of the man I talked to at the market? The one with whitish hair. How did he seem?"

"You mean, as a partner? I told you, I don't understand human ideas of attraction. Still, seems to me like a man in his mid-thirties should not have white hair. But if you like him, do whatever you want. You don't need my permission to f*** him."

"Uh, Satan… that's not what I meant. Just because I'm a fertile female doesn't mean I constantly look at people as potential partners. First of all, I wouldn't f*** Shiro even if somebody paid me ten thousand dollars. (I might do it for twenty-five thousand.) I meant to ask if you considered him 'basically intelligent' or not. Did he seem stupid?"

"Hmm… Father Shiro is probably going to be the next Paladin, right? Appointed by my dear friends at the Vatican. Still, he may be smart. He sounded like he was warning you to stop fraternizing with Demons, so he must have common sense. I'd like to study him."

"Even better if studying him involves dissecting him or pinning him on a card, right?"

"Maybe. You've told me before that the way to Hell is marked with good intentions. Experiments are a necessary part of good science and—"

"So, Satan is a mad scientist! Alas, for what does that make me? I am only an experiment. My life and soul are expendable. I have sold my heart to the Devil!"

"Well, yes, you have. The King of Gehenna does not respect you in the slightest, lowly experimental human."

"Right. That's why you're completely dependent on my body as a vessel, haha. Which reminds me. You really seem to go to great lengths to try learning about Assiah. Why exactly do you care?"

"I want conquer them, of course. I want both halves of the universe, Gehenna AND Assiah. However, the people in Assiah always oppose me, so a couple centuries ago I decided to try to learn more about them. If I understand them more, I'll be a better ruler."

"Oh, how morally upstanding. It sounds like you don't want to totally destroy the world. But in that case, Satan, what about the evil you cause in Assiah? Some of it I get. Disease was an attempt to conquer the world. You command possessions to learn more about human experience from your servant Demons. But what about the mischief? Like, why do you tell your Demons to bring temptation and unfair contracts to foolish humans?"

"Um, because making mischief for humans is fun. Demons are programmed to enjoy it. One time, this thirteen year old girl sold her soul in exchange for having her crush saved from a disease. But then he died in a car wreck three days later. The girl was so sad she told her dad about me, right before I took her soul to Gehenna. Get this. The dad said she wanted to sue me for false advertising. But since lawyers are basically the devil anyway, I told him to give it up."

"You have a dark sense of humor, Satan. But I guess it is funny. Demons specialize in making things inconvenient for humans, and vice versa. We might as well enjoy it when possible. What happened to the little girl's soul, though?"

"She's fine. She's already in love with a demon who's way too old for her. She says she'll kill herself if he rejects her. She doesn't seem to know she's already dead."

"Why DO you try to keep peoples' souls trapped in Gehenna when they die?"

"Souls are a valuable commodity. You can use them as currency, whether you're making deals with Demons or Gods. So, basically, they're my slaves. The reputation isn't true, though, that staying in Gehenna feels like torture. The stories of Gehenna being like a lake of fire? That's only true if you're standing too close to me. Gehenna won't harm my collection of deceased souls... usually."

"Satan, you excel at inspiring great confidence within the souls of humans."

"Hey, at least I'm giving most of those souls a chance to be reborn into the world as Demons. I make them immortal. Compare that to what you Exorcists do. You expel Demons and leave them without a vessel. Their souls may become too damaged to find an afterlife, let alone survive and get new bodies. You waste so many souls. That's why I'm inclined to say that next Paladin is, like all Exorcists, ultimately pretty stupid."

"I'll just pretend that you didn't imply that your lover was stupid. I'm kind of surprised you knew Shiro's name. You know about the status of Paladin, too. You seem very well informed about Exorcists. Do you and God talk about that when you smoke together?"

"No, God isn't speaking to me these days. Except to try to swindle more souls from my stock. I learned about Exorcists, actually, because I knew a man who was instrumental in creating the Vatican's first Exorcists and their systems. He was strikingly powerful. Perhaps he was the first Paladin."

"Satan, from the way you talk about him, this man must have been very dear to you."

"Actually, yes. We were friends at first. We liked to sneak out into the desert together and trip balls from a combination of fasting and psychoactive cacti."

"Did you two 'do it' out there in the desert? It sounds like you liked each other…"

"Shut up, wh**e. There was 'no homo.' We were more like rambunctious brothers. Or maybe I was like his evil but fun uncle. We dared each other to do crazy things. However, my friend was stupid. One time I dared him to jump off a temple. He didn't do it, but he also didn't understand it was a joke."

"Satan, whatever you may say, you clearly care about this man. What became of him?"

"Oh, he killed himself."

"I thought you said he didn't jump off that temple."

"He didn't. He turned himself into the ruling empire, who thought he was a madman and gave him a very painful execution. Apparently it was family drama that led to his suicide. His father threatened to keep killing humans and blame me. My friend killed himself to make his father happy. Once he was dead, he figured, his father's wrath should be more or less satisfied."

"I'd hate to see that father when he's drunk."

"Oh, believe me, I've seen it. God is terrible when he's drunk."

"God? Oh wait…"

"Yes, my poor friend Jesus. Sometimes we talk, but God keeps him away from me most of the time. The worst thing about Jesus' suicide, of course, was that it failed. I mean, he just came back to life again. Now he has to deal with his psychopathic daddy again."

"Hmm. Who would have thought? Satan feels sorry for Jesus."


	4. The Scandal

**Summary: After her visiting father kills some Demons, Yuri reveals her true thoughts about humans and Demons. Satan is frustrated that he still can't understand mortal life. Yuri suggests a plan.**

"Finally, that old goblin is gone. No way in hell was I going to let him stay with me after what he did. He often says he doesn't know why he was given such a troublesome daughter. Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with such a pigheaded father."

"Can we say, 'Daddy Issues'? I've never seen you genuinely angry. It's kind of cute. Maybe we should find ways to piss you off more often."

"Satan, aren't you mad, too? Twelve of them! My horrible dad killed twelve of the Demons who live in this forest."

"Sure, it's annoying, but that's just what Exorcists do. Especially people from the Vatican itself. It's not a surprise."

"Those Demons were my friends! Demons and people could get along if both sides worked at it."

"I hope you were being sarcastic, because that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."

"It's not stupidity. It's just idealism."

"They're the same thing."

"I was hoping you would say that. You're right; I was messing with you."

"I hope so! I mean, humans will never stop fearing and trying to kill Demons. It's part of human programming to kill what you don't understand, right? And it's part of Demon programming to cause mischief for humans. The dangerous Demons like yours truly can't feel empathy for humans, so it's no big deal to kill them either."

"Alright then, I'll be honest with you, my dear Satan. This may come as a surprise to you, but I love Demons."

"You don't say."

"And just as much as I love Demons, I despise humans. Sorry, but there's no hope for creatures who are that stupid, bigoted, and selfish."

"You're awfully harsh considering you're a human yourself, bitch. Well, then again, I sometimes wonder if you're human at all, because it's been so easy to possess you. You might not qualify as a human when you're crazy enough to offer your body to the King of Gehenna. I thought you were suicidal, by the way, but maybe you're just an extreme misanthropist."

"When I say I want humans and Demons to get along, I'm being idealistic. Of course I don't think all the conflicts could be solved. I think it might _cause_ huge conflicts to make people try to accept Demons. Imagine if Demons were more numerous and more people left them alone. That would destroy the human world as we know it. Humans might adapt and eventually benefit, but more likely, they would become the ones at a disadvantage, for a change. I personally like that idea."

"Wait a damn minute. You're saying just because you personally have an unnatural love for Demons, you want to see the human world overturned?"

"More or less."

"Well F***, you might be more evil than me. I want to conquer the human world, but I haven't been trying to cause chaos for the sake of chaos. I'm a conqueror. Doesn't that make me Lawful Evil and you Chaotic Evil?"

"Nothing about you is lawful, my dear Satan. Neutral Evil, maybe. Although, actually, if we're going down that road, I don't know if you can objectively be called evil at all. You can hardly help it if your species cannot empathize with humans."

"Don't be absurd. That's just an excuse. Just like humans can, in general, learn to respect the lives of other animals, Demons are capable of learning to value humans. It doesn't come naturally, but it's theoretically possible."

"In other words, you're admitting you love me. Our courtship is progressing well."

"I've told you a hundred times, bitch. I don't understand human love. Hell, I don't understand humans nearly as much as I want to, even with all my efforts. I can't wrap my head around being mortal—or at least having a mortal body."

"You aren't learning anything from possessing me? You're making me depressed, my dear Satan."

"In that case, let's smoke together. Don't lie. I know about your stock. The only thing I don't know is how you managed to replenish it recently, when I haven't seen you with any friends or dealers. Does a misanthropist Demon-lover even have friends?"

"Ouch. For your information, I have plenty of Demon friends."

"No you don't. Your dad killed them all."

"Asshole, why did you remind me?! Alright, I've got my stuff, so come on. We're going to enjoy this in the meadow just through those trees. Spring is finally starting, so it'll be nice to sit in the grass, and maybe see some wildflowers."

"I didn't ask for 'The Hippie Experience.' I wanted to get high, not become Kermit the Frog."

"Too bad, because you said I could control my own body for at least three hours a day."

"Only to do your human-maintenance! Only to do your stupid chores!"

"We're already walking. In the meantime, Satan, let's have a puff. Ah. Shiro gets me pretty good stuff, doesn't he? Yeah, that's where I got it."

"A famous Exorcist shouldn't be wanting for money. So how do you pay him, huh? With your body?"

"I don't sell my body."

"You kind of made _me_ a deal for your body."

"F*** you. Shiro just owes me because I have to put up with him 'keeping an eye on me.' My Dad keeps asking him to watch me. They all think I'm going to do something extreme just because I make friends with Demons."

"Something extreme like letting Satan possess you and then pretending to court him?"

"Ha, I've been possessed before. This doesn't qualify as extreme. And actually, courting is considered very proper and conservative. Short of getting pregnant, I can't do anything extreme with you at all."

"You and your jokes. Can't you tell I'm depressed? Mortal life is something I'll never have. As soon as you die, my ability to experience Assiah will be over forever."

"That's depressing indeed, but I wasn't making a joke. I _could_ get pregnant."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I can't literally give you your own mortal life, but I can give you a life in another way. We can make a new life together. I'm telling you humans are irredeemable, and being a human is shitty, but you still can't understand that. Well, become a parent. There's no better way to understand the horrors of being human. Plus, you love making mischief. You're sure to create a disaster as a parent, no matter how capable you think you are."

"How high are you, wh**e? We could never have a child."

"Why not?"

"Because you would abort it, you crazy misanthropist."

"Exorcists can't get abortions, or if they do, they are blacklisted for life, thanks to the backwards Vatican. Besides, if it was our child, he would be just as much Demon as human. Sure, I might abort a human, but my own Demon? No way."

"Ok then, freak of nature, that's not the actual reason. We can't have a kid because... how the hell would I get you pregnant? I can't possess another body and f*** you. Even if I could find a body that doesn't turn to ash when I possess it, you would just have that person's kid."

"Don't tell me you're _that_ limited. Yahweh (God) impregnated a human girl. Are you going to let that jerk beat you so easily? Why don't you stick it to that Assaian God? It won't be hard for your son to outdo Jesus—he just has to avoid turning himself in to a dangerous empire to be executed on purpose."

"Well, first let me say, you're actually, literally insane for considering this. But it's not a bad idea for me to get some part-human kids. A part-human son or daughter would prove to the world that Satan's empire is expanding! There's a number of other uses a son or daughter could serve, as well."

"So? Is it possible?"

"Theoretically, but I doubt it will actually work. Even though I'm only a spirit possessing your body, I still have many powers. Remember how I can still make blue flames? I can generate energy and give it shape and form. There's no reason I can't create some microscopic carrier of my traits and powers. I would just send it to combine with your egg."

"Just say 'sperm' already. You're going to make Magical Demon Sperm."

"Alright, whatever, I'll work on it. There's no way it will actually work out to get us a child, but nothing can be lost from trying. At the very least, it will keep me interested in possessing you for a while. I was starting to get bored, but… Hey, wait."

"What is it, my dear Satan?"

"You suggested the idea because you wanted us to stay together. You're such a manipulative bitch."

"Manipulative? I'm only a woman in love."

"That's basically the same thing."

"I was hoping you would catch on, Satan. Let's take a hit for the lovely half-Demon freak-child we will bring into awkward existence."


	5. The Final Warning

**5: The Final Warning**

 **Yuri has grown tired of Shiro always watching her, and tells him so, which starts an argument. Satan offers commentary. (His parts are in Italics and, within the story, can only be heard by Yuri.) This chapter was Beta'd by Mardalfoosen.**

"Shiro? What are you doing here?"

"It's the usual business. Your father wanted me to check on you. Oh, and I got you some bud. Um… may I come inside? It's still rather cold."

" _Is that the next Paladin? Come on, bitch, let him inside."_

"You wimp, Shiro. It's spring. But fine, come in. Make yourself some tea if you want because I'm not serving anything."

" _Speaking of things being cold… Yuri, why are you so inhospitable?"_

"I really am sorry to intrude, Miss Yuri, but I do have to follow my orders. I'll need to check around for signs of demonic activity."

" _Ha, you think if he does a pat-down he'll notice that I'm here?"_

"Search away, Shiro. Search quickly so you can leave quickly. I haven't forgiven my dad for killing my demon friends. Anybody he employs is likewise untrustworthy."

"Ok, then I'll work quickly. You don't have to be so rude, though. We can just make small talk. What have you been doing lately?"

" _Tell him you've been 'doing' demons."_

"Ahem. I've just been enjoying the changing seasons, haha…"

"What about exorcisms? Are you going to try to rank up this year?"

"Nobody in town even knows that I'm an exorcist."

" _Yep, they all think you're a witch."_

"You haven't been working? What have you been doing since you came to this hut?"

"I've been playing with demons."

"What else?"

"…I've been playing with demons."

"Why did you even become an exorcist then?!"

"To learn more about demons."

"Please take this seriously! Why aren't you working as an exorcist? You'll run out of money soon if you stop working now."

" _Yuri, I've forgotten. Is money a form of currency? If so, don't worry. I can trade for anything with my stock of souls in Gehenna."_

"I don't really care about money, Shiro. The house was bought and paid for by my father. I can find food on my own. All I need is this hut and the woods."

"Who are you, Henry David Thoreau?"

" _I was going to say Chris McCandles."_

"No, but they do call me the 'Witch of the Forest.'"

" _Yes, I can see you stirring a cauldron of strange potion and cackling to yourself."_

"Yuri, do you self-identify as a witch?"

"No way. I'm too beautiful to fit the witch role. I'm more like the princess of the forest."

"Witches are beautiful too. They're people like us, you know. God, Yuri, you're such a hater. And as for being a Princess… maybe if you mean Princess Mononoke."

" _This man is well versed in classic animated movies."_

"Hey, being called Princess Mononoke is a compliment."

"No it's not. It means your mother is a wolf. Literally, a bitch."

"Really? Mother jokes? That's on the same level of immaturity as 'your face' jokes. I didn't know you were so childish, Shiro."

"I didn't know your face was so childish!"

" _This man should stop trying to be funny."_

"Childish, huh? Yeah, about that. You're almost twice my age, you know. Given that fact, it's really freaking creepy that you come around so often. You've said before you're 'keeping an eye on me.' You're just a stalker who likes really young women."

" _Come to think of it, Yuri, are you even of legal age?"_

"Don't go there, Yuri. I'm not watching you because I want to. Your father is very powerful in the Vatican. He's the one asking me to keep an eye on you. I can't exactly say no to him."

" _Shiro can't say no. Hear that, Yuri? You two should…"_

"My father. You can't say no to him, huh? That sounds dirty."

"Only if you have a really, really dirty mind. Seriously, Yuri, you need some positive influences in your life. Why don't you make some friends? Or find a mature boyfriend?"

"Maybe I'm not into men."

" _Yuri, is there something to tell me about your sexual preferences?"_

"Yeah right, Yuri. You just haven't found a man who can tolerate your weirdness."

"For your information, I am courting someone. I am in love with him."

"Let me guess. He's a demon."

" _Damn, this guy's good. Now shut the f*** up, Yuri. Don't say a word about me."_

"Um… of course he's not a demon! Haha! Why would you ever get that idea?"

"Yuri, that's not convincing in the slightest. If it isn't a demon, tell me who he is."

"Well… he's a person I met at the market in town."

"What's his name? What's he like?"

" _Psst, use the name Kuro. Opposite of Shiro, hehe._

"Um, his name is… Kuro. Yep, Kuro… _Natas._ He likes fire. Blue is his favorite color."

" _Natas?! God, both of you have such a stupid sense of humor."_

"Yuri, you would tell me if there was something going on, right? I want you to be honest with me. You won't get many more chances. I said I just came here because of orders, but the truth is, I'm also worried about you. At this rate, you could be possessed so easily."

" _Well, I guess this guy's smart when he's not trying to be funny."_

"Why would I choose to be honest with you? You're a freaking stalker."

"You keep trying to distract me, saying things like that. To me, it shows that you're hiding something. Please come clean, Yuri."

"You have no right to make that demand."

"Jesus, woman! I'm really serious! Even if you're the daughter of a Cardinal, the Vatican won't forgive you for conspiring with demonkind! Answer me, Yuri. Is there anything going on that we need to know about?"

" _Yuri, just stop talking. I mean it. If he finds out I've possessed you, he'll report it and you'll be killed. Then I'd lose the only human body that's any good."_

"What, Yuri? You can't think of anything to say?"

"… …"

"Yuri, I need to know that you won't let yourself become possessed voluntarily! This is the part where you clarify whose side you're actually on."

"I'm on the side of those who don't make unreasonable assumptions about a woman because she has a slightly different view of the world. I'm with those who are reasonable. What about you?"

" _Oh, so you CAN lie. Also, wow, manipulative: turning it back on him. How will the great Shiro respond?"_

"Hmm… I guess you have a point. Maybe I did jump to conclusions. Your father is incredibly worried about you, and I don't want to take this matter lightly; that's all. Do you have any demon friends right now?"

"My father killed the ones I befriended earlier."

"Alright, then please make sure it stays that way. If we find you fraternizing with the enemy again, we'll have to do something about it. For now, I'll trust you and leave you alone. Is that reasonable?"

" _Actually, that's very generous. He sure spoils you."_

"Thank you, Shiro. That sounds reasonable to me. You're a good guy after all."

" _Wow, you can sound really nice even when you're lying your ass off."_

"Well, anyway, there seem to be subtle signs of demonic activity, but that's probably left over from your, um, 'friends.' Be sure to use some holy water when you do your next cleaning."

"Alright. If that's everything, you know where the door is."

" _There went the 'being nice' thing."_

"Jeez. You're a handful, Yuri, but I think you're worth it. That said, this is your final warning. Don't disappoint us."

" _Well… that wasn't ominous at all."_

"Phew. Shiro's finally gone."

" _You sure suck at talking to other humans."_

"Shut up, Satan. You weren't helpful at all."

" _I don't remember ever saying I was going to be helpful."_

"Good point. Well, come on. Let's go light up this bud."


	6. Date with The Devil

**6: Date with the Devil**

 **Author's Note: So about their Date. Don't try this at home. It's usually illegal.**

"So… why are we going into town? It's not a market day and you have no friends."

"I made friends with a couple of demons who are new in the area, for your information. I don't need human friends. But that's beside the point. We're going into town to eat at this great little restaurant I know."

"Does it have a bar?"

"Yes, but we're not going to get drunk."

"Then why go?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe to eat?"

"We have plenty of food here. Why bother dealing with all those humans in town?"

"Because I want to eat. At a restaurant. With you. Don't you get it yet?"

"Hmm… wait for it… uh, nope. I don't get it at all."

"I want us to go on a date!"

"…I still don't get it. What's this 'date' thing?"

"Oh, for the love of God…"

"I don't do anything for the love of God. I told you he's kind of an ass, right?"

"Urgn! It's an expression! Look, a date is when a couple spends time together—special time they put aside just to be together. They might go out to eat, go to a park or a festival, watch a movie, or any number of other activities. Couples become closer to each other during dates. They might do stuff like hold hands or kiss… and maybe go home and have some freaky awesome sex."

"Ok… but we can't do those things. I mean, we share the same body and you can't exactly kiss yourself. Well, actually, you can, but…"

"That's not what it's about for us, Satan. It's just about spending time together."

"Ok… but we're always together. Also, it's not like we can really talk if we go to that restaurant. I'd have to hide my voice. So you'd just be sitting there talking to yourself and looking insane. I mean, more insane than your normal insanity."

"Oh, right. That's actually a good point. But don't scrap the date idea. I still want us to do something together. Today."

"Well… we can work something out… on one condition."

"Let me guess. You're still thinking of drinking, right? Just because we ran out liquor… I mean, we still have beer, but let's save it. You're going to make me into an alcoholic. Be considerate! We're sharing this body!"

"Bitch, I let you talk at me all day and play your little courtship game; I'm plenty considerate. And anyway, you're only half right. My condition is that we won't be sober. But after all, Yuri, there are many other altered states besides drunkenness."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Well, the other day, while your spirit was asleep, I took our body and did some hiking in the woods. No, not because I'm turning into a hippie like you. It's because I wanted to find some Psilocybin mushrooms."

"Huh? Psychocyber mushrooms?"

"You ignorant idiot. I mean 'shrooms! Y'know, magic mushrooms? The kind that gives you a psychedelic high?"

"Oh, I get it. Still sounds like a hippie thing though."

"I'd rather have some acid, but it's not like I can find any connections here in Hermits Village, Middle-of-Nowhere County. So, cutting to the chase, let's do some shrooms! Here they are. Dig in."

"Aw, Satan, you want to share a powerful psychedelic experience with me? You even went out digging around in the woods? What a wonderful present! You're so sweet, Satan."

"Shut up. I didn't do it for you. I'm bored and I want to get high. But, y'know, since you're going on and on about this stupid date thing, you might as well do it with me."

"Ew! These taste like shit! How many do we have to eat?"

"A lot more than the two you just picked up. Yes, they are going to taste worse than dirt. I mean, they're fungi. Even if we prepared them in a dish somehow, it would still taste like muddy fungus and we would be shooting ourselves in the foot by ingesting more food that we're only going to throw up at some point."

"Gross… gross… I want to throw up right now…"

"If you do, I might actually kill you. You can't throw up before they have time to kick in, or the whole trip will be ruined. But do expect to chuck some shit up a few hours into it. It's sort of a rite of passage for the magic mushroom experience."

"Gross… gross… ok, we're done. Now what?"

"Well, ideally, we should do some kind of activity to keep our minds off nausea and to set the stage for a positive trip. It can't be a boring or intense or unpleasant activity."

"Ooh, ooh! I know! Let's go hiking! Pleeeeease?!"

"Hmm… I want to say no, but walking in an isolated and calming place is actually a good idea. Especially for your first time. But I decide the pace. And we stay on the trails, no bushwhacking just because you feel like it. And no mountain trails. I hate uphill hiking. Got it?"

"Yes, my dear Satan! This is going to be the best date ever!"

(Later)

"We've been walking a good two hours now. Are you feeling it, Yuri?"

"Well, I'm as happy as a demon with a virgin girl's soul to play with. Also, things are a little blurry. I wonder if being in the woods is safe…"

"It's fine. These trails don't have any cliffs. There aren't many bears in the area either. Wolves pass through these woods, but they don't just randomly attack people, contrary to popular belief. So we're safe as can be."

"Ouch!"

"Hahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa..."

"Satan, what is so funny? I just hit my head."

"Yes... HAHAHAHA! You bumped... hahaha... into a tree! That's the funniest thing I've ever experienced in your body! Hahahahaha!"

"I don't think it's funny. Wait. Yes I do. Satan, why is everything so hilarious all of a sudden? AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

(Later)

"Jesus Suicidal Christ, I thought we'd never stop laughing. And now... oh my god. Yuri, are we inside in a rainbow? Is it possible to be stuck in a rainbow? Everything... everything is so colorful."

"Yeah, especially those striped deer over there. I've never seen greenish grey deer with bright purple eyes. Holy shit, they're growing horns! Growing glowing horns! I think we might have entered another world. Oh, I get it! This is Gehenna, right?!"

"Nope, you're just tripping balls. This is still Assiah. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M EXISTING IN ASSIAH! Yuri, I'm so happy I possessed you! I haven't had this much fun since I tripped on cactus with Jesus in the desert."

"Dear Genocidal God, I feel sick. Also... I really want to sit down. This blue cotton candy moss seems like a great place to relax... Satan, this is normal, right?"

"Y-y-yes... and... so iz normal too... to not... use the words... rightly. It hard to use the sounds in us vocals. We sit now."

"Satan… I feel like I'm finally seeing the world for the first time. I—"

"Holy underage Mother Mary! Yuri, we're becoming one with the moss!"

"I think that's just an illusion. You see, Satan, it's all just an illusion. Everything's an illusion. The things that separate humans from demons... the resentment I harbored for my father... reality itself... and the nausea that's about to make me vomit explosively... they're all just illusions, my dear Satan."

"Let's smoke a joint. That should help with the vomit part. But hey... if everything is an illusion... then you're an illusion too. Yuri, you're such a beautiful f***ing illusion. If only you were real."

"I _am_ real, dick! I think? Also... did you just call me beautiful?"

"By the Racist Jehovah, you're right. What's wrong with me? It was just words, Yuri. Don't read into it. Words are illusions. Why are you smirking?!"

"Well, because this is the best date I've ever been on."

"More like the only date you've ever been on."

"That too. Now, let's walk back towards the house before that tree monster eats us for an evening snack."

"We're still going to be tripping balls for hours, you know."

"I know. But I want to go become one with my couch. And maybe jerk off in the comfort of my own hermit's hut."

"Sweet. When you do that weird human jerk off thing, I experience pleasure too via your body. Why not just do it here?"

"Because, Satan, the tangerine bear cubs are watching! They're just cubs!"

"Ok, point taken. Let's hike back home. ... Hmm, home. Strange of me to say that."

"Aw Satan, you're getting attached to living with me."

"Only because we're on shrooms, bitch! And... ew."

"... ...Yeah, weed doesn't always stop the whole vomit thing. We might need to change clothes when we get home. Hmm, home. It's a nice feeling to have a home, especially with you. Ahh... I'm so glad I'm possessed by Satan."

"Now there's something you don't hear every day."


	7. Yuri's Bitch

**Summary: Shiro visits again. Satan temporarily possesses a wolf and joins them. As the conversation ensues, Yuri and Satan forget to use due caution…**

Satan: "Yuri. Yo. How's it—"

Yuri: "Satan! Is that you?! I've been freaking out all morning thanks to you! I woke up and you weren't inside me anymore!"

Satan: "Hehe, that kind of sounds like—"

Yuri: "You know what I mean! Why did you stop possessing me? And what the hell? You're a f*cking wolf?! And a female one?! What's wrong with possessing me, huh? Do you like it better possessing a literal bitch?"

Satan: "Meh, in that sense, there's not really any difference."

Yuri: "Hmm. I guess I asked for that one."

Satan: "Pretty much. Anyway, you said that Shiro guy was coming to visit again today. It was hard staying quiet last time, and besides, it's no fun. I want to join in too. So I decided I'd possess an animal just for today. This wolf spirit deity worked well last time and didn't die. I think it will do the job again."

Yuri: "It's a local deity? Oh, I always thought it was a real, wild wolf."

Satan: "Yeah but wolves don't live in Japan, dummy. They were all wiped out by rabies or habitat loss by the end of the 1800s. Besides, they didn't look like Alaskan-ish huge ass wolf. They were pretty small and more like jackals or 'mountain dogs' than wolves."

Yuri: "You only know that because you've been observing the human world for, probably, thousands of years. Anyway, if you want to stay in that female wolf body for today, I guess that's ok. Shiro will be here too. I'll be more than happy to pretend you've never met and introduce you to him—as my bitch, of course."

Satan: "Oh, don't you dare try to say that."

Yuri: "I don't know how you would stop me. Oh, sounds like Shiro's here. Sit, dog. Over there by the tea table. I'll go get the door."

Satan: "Roof woof arf arf wowooooh!"

Yuri: "Jesus Christ, you're loud! Stop barking! What are you doing?!"

Satan: "I'm being a good guard dog. Rarf rarawr oof woof! Rarrarooooh!"

Shiro: "Yuri? What in the world is that racket? Ahh! Why is there a mountain wolf god in your house?!"

Yuri: "Oh, Shiro. Feel free to come in without waiting for me to answer and hence destroy the point of knocking. This wolf is—"

Satan: "Rarooooooow! Roof roof arf! Arf arf wawf rawrf—"

Yuri: "SHUT UP BITCH!"

Satan: "Arf arf—cough—ahem. Welcome in, Shiro. I may be a female wolf right now, but I'm most definitely not Yuri's bitch. If anything it's the other way around."

Shiro: "Uh—alright then. Who are you, if you don't mind my asking? I thought you resembled a local deity at first, but now… you seem to have the presence of a Demon."

Satan: "Ah… no, definitely not a Demon…"

Shiro: "I can tell. I'm sure of it now. Yuri, why is there a Demon in your house? Didn't I warn you not to make friends with Demons anymore?"

Yuri: "Uh—well—you see…"

Satan: "We're not friends, Father Shiro. I'm just passing through. Sure, ok, I admit I'm a Demon. But I'm not planning on hurting anyone, and I'll leave this evening. No need to get violent. Just think of me as a temporary guest. And don't blame Yuri, either. I invited myself in; she had nothing to do with it."

Shiro: "Hmm… I guess I can live with that… Sometimes local deities who have been betrayed by their worshippers turn into Demons. When they vent their anger at humans, it's because they're actually just sad. I encountered a Cait Sith former God like that, and succeeded in taming him even though he's a Demon. So, what I mean to say is, I don't have any ill will toward you, Wolf. You can relax too, Yuri."

Yuri: "Thanks, Shiro. And thank you for explaining yourself, Sa—um…Samantha."

Satan: "Samantha?! Why do I have a girls' name?"

Yuri: "Um, because you're a female wolf. Hehe, because you're a bitch."

Satan: "Samantha, for a wolf? I shudder to think what names you would give your pets."

Shiro: "I think Samantha is a lovely name, almost too nice for a Demon."

Yuri: "Hear that? Shiro says you're lovely."

Satan: "Oh my god, I'm so flattered, she said with sarcasm dripping from her jaws. …Grr, fine, I'm Samantha, then. So what the hell are you doing bothering Yuri again, Shiro?"

Shiro: "Um, I don't think you get to decide whether I'm bothering Yuri or not. By the way, how do you know my name?"

Satan: "Are you kidding? Yuri talks about you all the time. It kind of gets on my nerves that she won't admit she likes older men. I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

Yuri: "I don't like men, period."

Shiro: "Are you serious, Yuri? You prefer women? I always thought that was a joke…"

Satan: "No, no, Father Shiro. She means she doesn't like humans. She's a misanthropist. Don't you kind of get that vibe, since she makes friends with Demons and lives alone in a hut in the woods in the middle of nowhere? She's, y'know, a little 'off.'"

Yuri: "Your perception is what's 'off,' Samantha. I live in a beautiful forest with only the beasts and the spirits for company. That sounds much better, don't you think?"

Shiro: "Regardless… Samantha, you said you were just passing through and you only met Yuri today. Are you really telling me she told you about herself and even about me in a few short hours? Maybe you're her long-time Demon friend after all."

Yuri: "Samantha's not my friend. The only Demon friends I have left are less intelligent since most of the fearsome ones were murdered by you and my father. Samantha is, like I said, my bitch."

Satan: "Shut the hell up, woman. I don't just mean about the bitch thing! You just—"

Shiro: "You just revealed you made friends with local Demons again, Yuri. I warned you about that. I'm going to have to exterminate them before I leave. I said last time that it was your final warning. And maybe I'll exorcise 'Samantha' over there, too. I'm starting to think she was never a God and she's just a Demon stealing a deity's body."

Yuri: "That—that's absurd, Shiro. Of course Samantha's not like that. And also, if you try to kill my Demons, I might try to kill you."

Shiro: "Good luck with that. They say I'm going to be the next Paladin. If my skill as an exorcist is a ten, yours is a one. I suggest you think of something to distract me or else I'm going outside right now to exterminate any Demons on the property."

Satan: "Hey, yo, Shiro. Yuri's hot, right? Come on, I know you think so."

Shiro: "I don't see what that has to do with—"

Satan: "Hey, Shiro. You ever slept with Yuri?"

Shiro: "I—What?! Of course not! She's too young for me, and I was asked by her father to take care of her and— and I'm not interested anyway. I—"

Satan: "You look awfully red, Shiro. Heh. Guess what? I've slept with Yuri. I do it all the time."

Yuri: "Sat—Samantha! Don't listen to him, Shiro. He—I mean, she—means that she's slept at the foot of my bed, like a pet dog. Right, Samantha?"

Satan: "Nope. Get this Shiro. I've been inside Yuri. Heh."

Yuri: "Oh, I get it, because you possessed—"

Satan: "Yeah, shut up though."

Shiro: "You know, Demon, you're crossing the line. I know you're trying to f*** with me. But maybe what you don't know is that some Demons can impregnate humans during possession. If you tell me you've ever even thought of possessing Yuri, you're signing your death warrant."

Satan: "Why, because it makes you jealous?"

Shiro: "No! Because Yuri might be crazy enough to do something like this! Human and Demon relations are strictly forbidden by the Vatican and punishable by—"

Satan: "So you're jealous. You want Yuri to have your babies."

Shiro: "I'm going to exorcise you in a very, very painful way."

Satan: "Ha, right. I don't think you could if you tried. Hey Yuri, settle it for us. Whose babies would you rather have?"

Yuri: "Hmm… it's kind of pointless to ask, since it's already been decided."

Satan: "… … …"

Shiro: "… … …"

Yuri: "What? Why did you go dead silent?"

Shiro: "Is this a joke, Yuri? You looked like you had gained weight but I—"

Satan: "Is that why you threw up in the sink yesterday morning?"

Yuri: "Sat—Samantha, we already talked about it. That I might become pregnant. You agreed that we'd try."

Satan: "Um… how high was I when this happened?"

Yuri: "Oh… pretty high, I think. Why?"

Satan: "If you convinced me to send spirit carriers into your uterus while I was high, can I claim that you raped me?"

Yuri: "Ha, that's a good one. Satan, King of Gehenna, was raped by a girl."

Satan: "It's funny, right? I wouldn't want that public for real, though. Man, it's been so long since I impregnated a human. This kind of makes me happy, Yuri."

Yuri: "I'm kind of happy too, I guess. Except…"

Satan: "What? Oh… right…Shiro…"

Yuri: "Yeah, I smoked like two grams before you came in, so I'm not all here. And I totally forgot Shiro was even here. I guess we were alone for too long, Satan."

Satan: "Yeah, plus I'm losing control of this wolf body, so I can't really think clearly."

Yuri: "Maybe he's not listening, though. Hey, Shiro. Yo. Did you hear all of that?"

Shiro: "… … …"

Satan: "Maybe he's unconscious from shock. That's about what it would take to save our asses at this point."

Shiro: "…No. Demon, Yuri. I'm conscious. I assure you I have heard everything."

Satan: "Uh-oh."

Yuri: "Here it comes."

Shiro: "You both have thirty seconds to convince me beyond a doubt that this is all a sick prank you're pulling to get revenge on me and Yuri's father for killing those Demons last year. If you can't convince me… well, things are going to change quickly, in a way that none of us will like. Yuri, tell me. This is a joke. Right?"


	8. The Scandal Is Revealed

**8: The Scandal Is Revealed**

 **Summary:** **Yuri reveals blue flames while protecting Demons, proving that she is possessed by Satan. After Shiro flees to tell the Vatican, Satan and Yuri discuss what they should do.**

Shiro: "You both have thirty seconds to convince me beyond a doubt that this is all a sick prank you're pulling to get revenge on me and Yuri's father for killing those Demons last year. If you can't convince me… well, things are going to change quickly, in a way that none of us will like. Yuri, tell me. This is a joke. Right?"

Yuri: "… Yeah, haha… of course we're joking… um, April Fools!"

Satan: "Except that it's like December and there's snow outside. Let me handle this."

Yuri: "Satan! Where are you going? Come back!"

Shiro: "Not so fast, Demon! I won't let you escape so easily!"

Yuri: "Satan! Shiro! I—shit. I lost them. They're both so fast. Did Satan run off to distract Shiro? Well, what am I supposed to do now? Huh? What's happening…?"

Satan: "Yo, my favorite insolent human."

Yuri: "Oh, you're back. I mean, possessing me again."

Satan: "I left the wolf body in the woods, and Shiro is still out there thinking he's chasing me. Ah, it feels good to be back in such a comfortable body."

Yuri: "Are you saying you missed me?"

Satan: "Well… let me think… no. Definitely not. You talk too much, you have a dumb sense of humor, and you make fun of me. I was thinking of just getting rid of you. But then, of course, you're carrying my half-Demon children now."

Yuri: "Really? You're staying with me for a damn fetus?"

Satan: "You really are stupid, bitch. Of course I'm joking. Kid or no kid, I like possessing you."

Yuri: "Oh shit. Oh no."

Satan: "What? Did it finally sink in that you're way over your head? That the King of Gehenna is infatuated with you?"

Yuri: "Not that—I already knew that, of course. Look over there. Shiro's coming back. And he's… wait, he's fighting that Snow Goblin! He'll kill it!"

Shiro: "I told you, Miss Egin! I'm getting rid of your Demon problem once and for all!"

Yuri: "You killed it! You murderer!"

Shiro: "I'm an exorcist. You were supposed to be one too. There's a family of Jack Frost Demons over there in the trees. They're next."

Yuri: "No, stop! I mean it, Shiro!"

Shiro: "Stay back and shut up."

Yuri and Satan: "STOP THIS!"

Shiro: "I most certainly won't—ahh! The hell?!"

Yuri and Satan: "You will stop killing our Demons right now, Paladin."

Shiro: "That's… blue fire… you just used blue fire… Yuri? Is that really you?"

Yuri and Satan: "We are sharing this body. We both suggest you stop now. Otherwise we have no problems wiping out the mountain town down the road with this blue fire."

Shiro: "This means… it's true… Satan… blue fire… Yuri, can you hear me?! You're being possessed! Fight back! I'll help you!"

Yuri: "I don't want your help! I agreed to this! I'm carrying the child of Satan and I will see it through!"

Shiro: "You're going to regret this, Yuri Egin."

Satan: "Wait, what's he doing? Is he running away?"

Yuri: "He's—he's probably going to tell the Vatican. We have to stop him."

Satan: "We can't catch up to him now, not with your body like this. No offense."

Yuri: "Well then… I guess… we had better get back inside and decide what the hell to do."

**Line Break**

Yuri: "Well, that could have gone better."

Satan: "You realize it's your fault, right? You just had to go and answer that question about babies seriously. Why do you pick the worst times to take me seriously?"

Yuri: "Hey, you started it all. You told Shiro you slept with me."

Satan: "To distract him from going outside to kill all your little Demon friends. Learn to read the mood! The situation!"

"The situation was that Shiro came over with only a few hours' notice and I was nervous, so when you were off possessing the wolf, I smoked two grams of bud."

"Right, and what about now? How high are you?"

"No, no, Satan. It's 'Hi, how are you?' You mixed it up."

"Yes that's hilarious, Yuri. You got any more? Weed jokes?"

"Well, if everyone in the world smoked weed, there would be total world peace for two hours. Followed by a worldwide food shortage. Heh. You want a cookie? I'm getting like eight for me."

"You need to go to rehab."

"But marijuana is not physically addictive or dangerous to your health. And anyway, I'm against drug abuse. You shouldn't abuse weed."

"That doesn't make sense. What do you think you've been doing? How do you define weed abuse?"

"Oh, that's when you drop it on the floor and waste it, or when you burn a bunch but don't inhale. Marijuana abuse."

"…Were you born this obnoxious?"

"I don't really remember when I was born. But I think that's normal, and not short term memory loss from the green."

"Ah, short term memory loss, and possible memory problems with prolonged use. You see? Weed can be dangerous."

"Are you seriously telling me not to do drugs? You're the king of the underworld in more ways than one. You don't think I remember all those stories about the stuff you've snorted? Hard stuff. Plus all those cactus highs in the desert with Jesus."

"Why does your memory work just fine now? You know what? This whole thing is not really the problem here. You tried to side track me again. The real problem is that you are a human, I am the king of Demons, you are carrying my child, and the Vatican will hear about it before the end of the day. Maybe you're just suicidal after all. That's what I thought when I first possessed you and you didn't fight back."

"Well, if I wanted to die, would you let me?"

"Of course not. I won't let you get off so easy. I'll force you to live even though you hate the human world so much."

"Aww you say it like that but it's really because you love me. Hey, Satan. Hasn't it occurred to you that this whole situation is kind of funny?"

"Which situation? The one where you enjoy being possessed by Satan? The one where you're so high you probably can't remember your own birth date? Or, maybe, the one where you got pregnant and decided it was a great idea to straight up tell the next Paladin from the Vatican?"

"Haha… they're all pretty good stories, aren't they?"

"I admit that your insanity has been highly amusing to me all along. But you know, if we don't figure out what to do, neither of us will be laughing for long. The Vatican will probably decide to burn you at the stake."

"Nahh, of course they won't. I'm pregnant. Do you know how crazy the Church is about babies? They often prioritize the life of brainless fetuses over sentient members of society. And get this, this cracks me up. When a woman is killed, they get a little sad. When a pregnant woman is killed, they're all bawling and talking about emotional scars. For the life of me I can't understand it."

"Oh, well I can clear that one up for you. It often happens that males, the predominant leaders in Church and civil law, subconsciously care more about their babies than their wives because their babies are the ones carrying their genes. Humans only want to pass on their genes."

"I see, and then the irrational love of babies, even unborn fetuses, extends so far that they start caring about children that aren't even theirs. The men get disgruntled with abortion because they don't think any man should have his genetic legacy compromised by a woman's whims."

"I mean, I kind of get it, to an extent."

"Sexist."

"Baby killer."

"Aaanyway… my father is a Cardinal for Christ's sake. I'm a Cardinal's daughter who is pregnant. You really think they'll try to kill me? Plus, the next Paladin definitely has a thing for me. Maybe he'll whisper a word to his friends in high places."

"If, and I say IF Shiro is nuts enough to actually like you, then what he is right now is a man disappointed by love. That itself is motive enough for some guys to kill over. You know, kill the wife that cheated or kill the desired runaway bride. Bottom line, he isn't going to say a word in your defense."

"Oh… yeah, I guess I've never been very nice to him."

"You've been f***ing horrible. And it's been funny. Sigh…"

"Yeah… we're in trouble, aren't we?"

"Big trouble. But, uh, listen up. I know what to do."

"Does it involve mushrooms?"

"Absolutely not. We wait quietly here until the Vatican sends someone to get us. Then I'll stop possessing you temporarily so they don't just kill you upfront. You turn yourself in without a fight, and don't be a smart ass. You do exactly what you're told. Well, except abortion please. I expect they'll put you in a cell for holding."

"I don't like this plan. I'm only good at doing the opposite of what people tell me to do. I'm not sure about the whole 'cooperating' thing. Plus, personally, I'm not a BDSM person, so bondage, chains, and cells don't really sound appealing."

"It ain't about what you want anymore, little girl. Once you're inside, I'll possess a guard long enough to get you out and get you face to face, alone with Shiro. Then you do what women do best in order to save your ass."

"So… I should annoy him to death?"

"No, the other thing women are good at. Seduction. Become Shiro's lover and make it so he has no choice but to help you get asylum from the Church."

"Oh, I get it. Once we've left the country and gone off the grid together, I'll just dump Shiro and you can possess me again."

"Naw, don't break Shiro's heart. Instead, let him die happy. I'll possess and kill him right before returning to you. After all, by then he'll have done this and that with you, and…"

"And you'll be angry and jealous?"

"… Though it makes me question my sanity, yes, you are correct."

"My dearest Satan. You're so attractive when you talk about killing people because you love me. I'm so glad I get to court you, Satan."

To Be Continued


	9. Interview

**9: Interview**

 **Summary: Yuri undergoes an interrogation by Shiro at the Vatican. Then** **Satan visits Yuri in the holding cell.**

"Ok, Miss Yuri Egin, I am Shiro Fujimoto, Exodus Upper First Class and Ordained Priest, currently serving as personal assistant to current Paladin and Cardinal Ernst Frederik Egin. I am here on behalf—"

"Shiro, I already know who you are. I mean, we know each other. Why are you being so formal?"

"Because, Miss Egin, everything we say in this interrogation room is recorded and monitored by overseer, and may be stored as records. Usually, an Inquisitor would be the one to conduct the interrogation, but—"

"Wait, so this is a real interrogation? Like for a crime?"

"What did you think it was, Miss Egin?"

"Well, it's not like you guys work in law enforcement. You're not police or detectives or what-have-you. Legally, you can't hold me here, and I haven't broken any real laws. So, I'm surprised you're treating it like a criminal investigation."

"Miss Egin, are you aware that many of the world's ruling leaders, including the Prime Minister of Japan, defer to the Order of the True Cross in all matters with connection to Gehenna? You're an Exorcist, Lower Second-Class, so you should be very familiar with the laws set forth by the Order of the True Cross. You won't get anywhere by playing dumb, Miss Egin."

"No, I'm not playing dumb. It's just that people break laws of the True Cross all the time and get away with it, so I feel singled out. Remember how you told me you tamed a demonic Cait Sith by recognizing him as a former god of local Shinto shrines?"

"Yeah, Kuro. He's my cat. He helps me battle aggressive demons."

"It's against the rules to recognize Demons as Deities. Technically, you shouldn't be using Demons at all if you followed the Order to the letter. But modern Exorcists use helpful Demon spirits all the time. Demon Tamer is a recognized role for Exorcists."

"You know, Miss Egin, organizations have to change their values and rules over time to adapt to a changing culture. It's considered normal to use Demons as servants and familiars these days. There is room in religious interpretation for a few adjustments. But do you know what still isn't culturally or religiously accepted?"

"F***ing the Devil?"

"Yes. You're being held accountable by the law of the Order of the True Cross for having sexual relations with the king of Gehenna."

"I think you mean it's for carrying Satan's babies. Technically there were no sexual relations, is all I'm saying. Satan says he can send out little blue spirit sperm into the women he possesses."

"Uh-huh, 'spirit sperm,' huh?"

"Yes."

"Very interesting, but. Miss Egin, I'm going to ask you to keep your comments to yourself if they are not necessary to answering my questions. This is a very simple setup. I ask the questions, you give the answers. If you play your cards right, you could get out of this mess safe and sound."

"I don't know if you'll like my answers, but I'll give them. I have one question first, though. Why are you the one interrogating me?"

"I tried to explain that earlier, but you insisted on interrupting me. Usually, an Inquisitor of the Church affiliated with the Order of the True Cross would interrogate you. They believe, after all, that you may be a 'witch.' Had an Inquisitor come, you'd definitely be grilled. He wouldn't be a tolerant man like me. I managed to convince your father to let me do the talking. I figured it was your only chance to get out of this as painlessly as possible."

"So you like me and you're doing me a favor."

"I never said I liked—"

"You're so sweet, Shiro. Sometimes I really do think you're adorable. Considering what an old creep you are, I mean."

"Is it even possible to make that sound more insulting than it was? You really need to learn how to speak to other human beings, Miss Egin."

"Call me Yuri. I think we know each other enough to be on that level."

"No, Miss Egin, I must remain professional. Now, here is the question. Were you indeed possessed by Satan, the Demon King of Gehenna and the enemy of the Vatican?"

"No, never. Not me."

"Miss Egin, I witnessed the blue flames known as the trademark of possession by—"

"Well you said to play my cards right or whatever. It's best to deny stuff, right?"

"Don't deny the things witnesses are absolutely sure they saw. God, you're hopeless. I repeat the question. Were you possessed by Satan, the Dem—"

"Yes, I was. Most definitely. It was a lot of fun. Best times of my life."

"…I will dismiss that as your attempt at humor. Now, were you willingly possessed? That is to say, did you knowingly allow Satan into your spirit, or did you resist him?"

"Resist? Are you kidding? I totally—"

"Ahem, cough, play your cards right. Cough."

"Um… right… nope, nope, I definitely resisted. I put up a big fight. Yes siree! I call rape! Satan spirit-raped me. It was very traumatizing. In fact, I think counseling might be needed."

"For once, we agree on something. You need counseling. Now, Satan forcefully possessed you against your will. However, the witness, me, as well as your father and those overseeing this case, believe that you were partly aware and conscious during possession. Is that true?"

"Uh… y-yeah, that's right. Is that the right answer, Shiro?"

"I remind you that this interrogation is being recorded and overseen by other authorities. So, you say you retained some consciousness. That fits our reports. If you were able to control yourself somewhat during possession, Miss Egin, why did you not seek help? You should have tried to exorcise Satan. If that didn't work, you should have immediately reached out the Vatican or the Order of the True Cross."

"Well, it was so much fun that it never occurred to me to treat it as… oh. Er, I mean… yes, I should have reached out for help. I am a damsel in distress after all. I should have asked you for help, an upper first class exorcist like yourself, and you're really not bad looking either. What can I say? I'm an idiot."

"Saying you're an idiot isn't enough. You have to—"

"I'm a moron. A fool. A senseless bitch. A dummy. Unintelligent. Re—"

"Please shut up. What I'm saying is that you have to give a reason for why you didn't ask me or your father for help. You've got to give us a pretty damn good reason. Insulting your own intellect doesn't score you any points."

"Scoring points with Shiro, huh? Sounds kind of dirty. Alright, then. How about this? The truth is, I'm actually madly in love with you. I was afraid that you would get killed if you tried to exorcise Satan out from me. Rather than put your precious life at risk, I would carry the burden of possession alone."

"You must know that it poses a threat to the Vatican and to all decent people to continue existing while Satan is possessing you. If you felt you could not reach out for help, the standard procedure is to destroy your body to eliminate the threat Satan poses to those around you."

"What, I'm supposed to kill myself? Do they teach that in Sunday school? Anyway, let's see…. Right. I really was going to kill myself. I had it all planned out. But every time I got close to doing the deed, I thought of you, Shiro. I never want to be parted from you! You're the love of my life! `Twas love that stayed mine hand! Aye, love, else I surely should have driven the blade into mine heart!"

"Alright, next question. Are you pregnant?"

"Duh. I mean, did you think I had just gotten fat? Obviously I'm pregnant."

"Miss Egin, were you always aware that you carrying spawn of Satan specifically?"

"Hmm… no, actually, I had no idea. I thought, after all, I was pregnant by you."

"Pfft! Excuse me?!"

"Now look, you've spilled your coffee everywhere. Silly boy. No need to be shy. All those times you came to visit and check on me in my little hut in the woods? Of course we weren't innocent. We have a forbidden romance, right? The one we kept secret from my father? Naturally, I thought I was carrying your child, and so—"

"Yuri, that's the last straw! The man overseeing this interrogation is your own damn father! You're nailing both of our coffins now! Forget what I said about playing your cards and tell the freaking truth!"

"But I am telling the truth, my dearest Shiro. Naturally, if I had known all along I was carrying Satan's spawn, I would have had them aborted. Never mind the fact that it would be so hypocritical to Church values, cough. See, I thought, it was that time you and I did it in the living room in front of the fireplace on that bearskin rug. You remember that, right? It was definitely that time."

"You're really pushing it, Yuri! Shut up and listen! Further interrogation is pointless with all your lies, so here is the deal. It's the deal I proposed to your father an which he agreed to regardless of how badly you screwed up the interview. You want to hear it?"

"I'm all ears. Let me guess, I have to marry you or something? Or maybe swear to a tragic life of celibacy and give myself up as a ward of the Vatican?"

"No. You just have to agree to abort the spawn of Satan. That and yes, you'll be living under direct supervision of your father, the Cardinal. So what is your answer, Miss Yuri Egin?"

"Whoa, wait. Seriously? I'm pretty sure I already said this, but wouldn't an abortion be completely against the values of the Church? What about all that 'life begins at conception' and 'fetuses have souls' crap? They usually say, 'God wills every life into existence, and it's not our place to interfere.' Is that just too inconvenient now?"

"What you are saying is perfectly true—in regards to human life. We have no reason to protect Demon life. Besides, there are times when evil must be done in order to prevent a greater evil in the future: Demons running free in the human world."

"Riiight… well, sorry to disappoint. I won't give up my Demon baby. I was thinking of it at first, until you basically said Demon lives are worthless and not meant to be. Well now, even if it's just to be stubborn, I'm bound and determine to carry my Demon baby! I bet I can even get those 'pro-life' protestors on my side! Haha!"

"Miss Egin, this is your only option. If you don't agree to abort the pregnancy, I can't protect you from the punishment. Are you sure you want to go down just for the sake of being a stubborn bitch?"

"At least I'm not the Church's bitch. Or my father's bitch."

"Right, you're only Satan's bitch. Big improvement."

"No, I'm my own bitch, bitch. Though I do happen to be in love with Satan."

"Yuri, I'll ask one more time. I'm begging you to listen to reason. Please obey your father and the Order of the True Cross."

"Hmm… well… let me think… uh, nope. Obey this, mother*****!"

"… Alright then. You had your chance, Witch of the Forest. Tomorrow evening at sunset, you will be burned at the stake for your crimes against the Church and against God. Are you happy now?"

"Wait a sec… can I call my lawyer?"

"Goodbye, Yuri. It's a pity you couldn't be reasonable."

"Fine, walk away, pussy! It's a pity your mother couldn't be reasonable!"

To Be Continued


	10. Blue Night

**10: Blue Night**

 **Summary: The forbidden lovers must try to escape Yuri's death sentence.**

"Honey, I'm home."

"Oh. Hey, Satan."

"So? What's the verdict? You weaseled your way out of this, right?"

"…Not… really, no. There's going to be a Yuri Barbecue tonight. A bunch of Exorcists, priests, and even my good old dad will be watching the show."

"They're doing a witch burning?! What the hell, Yuri?! Whatever happened to seducing Shiro and getting him on your side? Wasn't that our plan?"

"I can't do it. I told you, I'm not attracted to men."

"Well, we've already established you're not attracted to women much either."

"That's right. I'm only attracted to Demons. I'm Demosexual."

"Pfft, that's not a thing."

"Demophobe! Of course it's a 'thing'! Humans and Demons have been banging for thousands of years. I wouldn't be the first to bring a half-Demon child into the world."

"True, but you're the first to try to bring Satan's babies into the world. So, heh, I guess you're Satosexual."

"Nope, I'm still Demosexual."

"Does that mean you might cheat on me with other Demons?"

"It won't be cheating if we have an open relationship. I don't get why normal people are so obsessed with monogamy anyway."

"Well, that's all as may be. We won't have any relationship at all if you're reduced to ashes by midnight. We'll need a plan to get you away."

"I don't think it's that complicated. Just keep possessing me. When they tie me up to the stake all BDSM style, we'll just break out with your blue flames. And blow that joint. I've always wanted to try being a fugitive."

"What, so as a little girl, you just said things like, 'I want to grow up and be a fugitive'? Why couldn't you be a normal girl who wanted to be a princess and get a pony?"

"If I were like that, I never would have ended up with you, my dear Satan."

"True enough. Now, your plan sounds good at first, but… there's a couple of things that get in the way. All these highly trained Exorcist assholes will be able to sense when I possess you. Even right now, they may be noticing, so we don't have much time. If I try to possess you tonight, they'll just speed up the execution and kill you to be rid of me."

"What bigots. They don't even know you. Just because you're a Demon. Honestly!"

"Ah, no, they're actually perfectly justified. I'm ultimately trying to conquer Assiah, remember? I let my minions and my Demonic energy cause havoc all the time. Anyway, you'll be bound in ropes and chained riddled with anti-Demon charms and prayers. My fire may not be able to burn through those bonds. They stink like Yahweh's worst cologne."

"God wears cologne?"

"Yeah. Otherwise he smells like booze all the time."

"Noted. So, anyway, we need a better plan. Why not possess someone else, someone who will be watching the witch burning? You can possess them and cut me free."

"Woman, I know you smoke a lot of weed, but your forgetfulness still amazes me. I've never been able to possess another human successfully before. Does that ring a bell? My blue flames kill every human body I take over. The longest one that lasted, before you, only stayed alive for like half an hour."

"I didn't forget. It's just that I don't see what other choice we have. Do you?"

"Hmm… fair point. Ugn, I can't believe it's come down to this. But listen to me. I'm going to be perfectly serious for a moment. Yuri Egin, I want to make you Queen of Gehenna, ruling by side. I'll do anything to keep True Cross from killing you. I'll possess hundreds of Exorcists if I have to. I'll find the one with the strongest soul and get him to take you to safety. I swear on my entire Kingdom of Gehenna."

"Sniffle, sniffle. Now look, Satan—you made me cry. You're such a romantic Devil King. This is a thousand times better than a proposal and a diamond ring. My dear Satan, have I ever mentioned that I love you?"

"Probably, in passing. I picked up on it, at least."

"Well, now I've officially said it, for the record."

"I sense Exorcists coming down to the dungeon, Yuri. We'll have to continue this later, when you're safe. I would tell you to stay strong, but you're already fearless to the point of insanity. So, just hold on. I'll make everything work out."

"I expect no less, my dear Satan."

*******That Night********

"And so it starts. I can barely think straight because I'm coughing so much. My body is rigid with expectation of the pain as the flames move closer to me. My eyes are watering so damn much and there's so much smoke I can hardly see. But there's one thing I can still make out. Little pillars of blue flame. Sounds of screaming.

"It takes me a minute to realize what's happening. All the spectators are being possessed and killed by Satan one by one. How does that song go? 'Another one bites the dust.' Soon my screams will be mixed with theirs. The red fire is lighting up the stacks of wood around me. How much longer till I can't breathe? Everything is fuzzy."

"Yuri! I've got one! Keep breathing! I'm getting you out!"

"Wait… Dad? Is that you? What are you doing? Letting me loose? Why are you glowing blue? Is that blood all over your face?"

"It's me! It's Satan! The Cardinal's body is holding up longer than the others! I've undone the ropes. I've got the keys to the chains!"

"F***! S***! DAMN! It f***ing hurts! JESUS MOTHERF***** MARY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"There! There! You're out. Grab on. Yes, come on. This way. Whoa, I've got you."

"I can't f****** breathe. I can't even see. HOLY S*** AM I ON FIRE?!"

"We have to keep going, Yuri. You're not burning. The fire on your legs is out. I know it's hard but keep walking with me. Faster! We're almost away from the pyre!"

"Do you… kaaff, kack, kuhh! Do you have any idea… hukaff!.. How hard it is to breath right now? F*** this F***** F***fest!"

"We're out of the smoke now. Here, I've got you."

"Hell no. I don't—kahaagn! I don't need to be f****** carried like a hackaff! Princess!"

"Shut up. I'm carrying you any way I want, bitch. Just keep breathing. We've got to get out of the Vatican!"

"Kehh, koff! And how exactly are we going to get out, genius?"

"I've got it handled. The guards are dead already. I've got a car waiting for you. Fake ID and passports are there too. I'm trying to get you there."

"Look, bastard, do you really think I can drive right now? My leg's an overdone steak and my eyes feel like they've melted out!"

"Do you think you have a choice, woman?! This body is going to die at any moment. Drive away like a bat out of hell! I've ordered some Demons to see you safely to the city limits. From there you'll have to find a place to hide for the night. By morning I should be able to get back to your body! Are you listening?"

"Ye—kahh, kugn! Yes! I got it! Whatever! There had better be a first aid kit in that car too!"

"Bitchy as always. Alright, here we go. That's the car. Take the keys. Damn it!"

"What's wrong?!"

"This body is burning like a dead leaf! I can't go any farther. Drive, bitch, drive!"

"Ok, ok, I will! Geeze. Later I'm going to lecture you about how f***ed up it is to possess my dad to rescue me! And I'll lecture you about how to talk who a woman who has a third degree burn and smoke inhalation and, not to mention, is carrying your offspring!"

"Lecture me all you want when we're safe."

"I'll see you in a few hours then."

"I expect no less, my dear Yuri."


	11. Devilry in Delivery

**11: Devilry in Delivery**

 **Satan and Yuri go into hiding as the time for Yuri's childbirth approaches.**

"Thank God we made it home."

"I think you need to thank Satan."

"Good point. Ah, this is great. Satan, I might have to take up religion."

"Say what? Where is this coming from?"

"Well, we're finally back at my beloved hut in the middle of nowhere, and… my bed is here. After being in a prison cell and then nearly burned to death, bed is the most heavenly feeling ever. I think beds are worthy of human worship."

"So your bed is god. Ha, a religion about beds would be a lot of fun. I mean, by definition, what goes on in beds would have to be holy. Meaning it's a religion that celebrates sex as well as sleep."

"The only thing that could make this better would be some good bud."

"You haven't smoked in months because you're pregnant. Don't break the trend now."

"Damn… I guess you're right. I don't want my baby turning out stupid."

"You know, I just can't get used to it."

"What, me talking about my baby?"

"No. I mean possessing your body when it's so damn fat."

"How dare you?! I'm not fat, asshole; I'm pregnant! Very pregnant. It's been, what? Eight and a half months? Which means I'm very close to…"

"…Yeah, this could be a problem. Unless you happen to have a secret life as a midwife, we're going to need help when it's time for those babies to pop out of you."

"You mean you've lived since the dawn of time but don't know how to help me though giving birth? Haven't you observed humans for thousands of years? You're useless."

"Well, in my defense, childbirth is really f***ing scary. It's disgusting."

"Like you can talk. I'm the one who has to go through it. The pain is supposed to be terrible… I wonder if we can get some Vicodin…"

"I'll teach you to make a pain-killing potion. You might have been taught part of it in the Exorcist classes for herbalist healers, but their version is missing an ingredient. It's a plant that grows in Gehenna and contains powerful pain-killing properties. It's easily as good as an opiate. It's really called Ibi, but I call them vagina flowers because that's what they look like in their natural state."

"Haha, nice. By the way, earlier you said something about 'when the babies are ready to pop out.' Babies plural. Why did you say that?"

"Because you're going to have twins."

"What? Don't f*** around. How could you know that? We haven't done any testing."

"I can sense it when I possess you. Actually I've known for a couple of days."

"But you didn't think to tell your beloved woman that there are two babies in her?"

"Well, I kept forgetting to mention it. I had other things on my mind. Like making sure the Church didn't turn you into a barbecue."

"I guess that's fair. Can you tell their sexes?"

"No, I'm not able to sense that really. But my gut says they're boys."

"Of course they would be boys. Raising boys is like raising devils even if they're not half demon in reality. Anyway. I'll get to work on making that potion, and I'll look for some Demon friends who might help with the delivery. You can go down to Gehenna and collect that vagina flower."

"Sure thing. Don't worry too much, Yuri. I do actually know quite a bit about human childbirth. I was just being facetious earlier. I'll be back soon." 

***Line Break***

Yuri: "Satan, why is this happening?! It's not supposed to happen yet! Owwwwwch holy shit!"

Satan: "You're a little early, but it will be fine. A week or two early is ok as long as we give those babies proper medical attention."

Yuri: "But that requires a hospital! I can't go there! I'm a fugitive. Yoowwwww!"

Satan: "Sit up a little. There you go. Yo, demon midwife. Yes, you. Go get some more rags and water. It's almost time to start pushing. Now Yuri, don't worry. I know someone in Gehenna who's better than any human doctor. We'll get her here as soon as possible."

Yuri: "Holy f***ing shit this huuuuuurrrrrrtss!"

Shiro: "Yuri! Yuri, are you really here?!"

Satan: "What the f***?"

Yuri: "Aahhhhhhurgn! Of all the times to show up uninvited, Shiro, why now? I'm having a f***ing baby!"

Shiro: "I'm here to help."

Satan: "As you can see, we have demons here helping us. Get lost. We don't need or want you."

Yuri: "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuurrrrrrrrgh!"

Shiro: "I have some experience helping with deliveries. You do need me. Please, let me help."

Yuri: "Fine, whatever! Aahhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrr!"

Satan: "But why did you come here, Exorcist? For all we know you want to kill us."

Shiro: "I definitely want to kill you, since you're Satan. But I don't want Yuri to have to die. I tried to stop the execution, but the Order of the True Cross wouldn't listen me. After you escaped, I was ordered to find Yuri and kill her. However, I won't do that."

Satan: "Oh let me guess. Because you love her."

Shiro: "Because she's innocent and being led astray by a Devil who speaks sweet lies. She is still a child. We can't kill her for being a child and thus falling prey to the Deceiver."

Satan: "You're full of shit. You and the Order of the True Cross, and the Church, all of it. Now you've come here to help us just because you think you're better than us. And also, you don't know a damn thing about Yuri. She chose to have me continue living with her. She chose to bear my children."

Shiro: "Speaking of which, here we go. The first one is out. Yuri, he's a boy!"

Yuri: "F*** yeah! Oooooowwwwchhhhhhh!"

Shiro: "You're half-way done now, Yuri. Let me wash this one and wrap him up."

Satan: "I can't believe you're putting your filthy Exorcist hands on my son."

Shiro: "Save it. We've got other things to worry about. Look. Yuri has lost a lot of blood. Her body wasn't ready for this strain. I might hate you, Satan, but I need you right now as much as you need me. I will guide the second baby out. You comfort Yuri. Tell her not to give up."

Satan: "She won't, regardless. Yuri is one strong bitch. This is nothing."

Shiro: "Even you know this is not trivial. I can tell from the shake in your voice. Listen to me. Yuri's life may be in danger."

Yuri: "DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! THIS HURTS!"

Satan: "Hold on, Yuri. Please, hold on."

Shiro: Alright! Number two is safe. I just the cord. It's another boy. Now we've got to stop the bleeding."

Yuri: "Haha… I guess… we were pretty stupid to think we could do this without a doctor or hospital… haha… now look what's happened."

Satan: "Nothing's happened yet, except that you have two beautiful baby Demon boys."

Shiro: "She's growing weaker. She might pass out. Try to keep her conscious."

Satan: "Yuri, Yuri. Don't go. Listen to me. Stay with me! YURI!"

Yuri: "… I love you, Satan…"

Satan: "No. This can't be real. This isn't funny anymore. She can't die. Yuri… what am I supposed to do without you?"

To Be Continued


	12. Go to Hell, Yuri Egin

**12: In Life and Death**

 **Yuri's mortal body has passed away due to birthing complications. Where is her soul? Can Satan still stand by her?**

Yahweh: "Let's see… next up is Yuri Egin. An Exorcist Second Class, Tamer. Her father is a Cardinal in the Catholic Church and an important member of the Order of the True Cross. She has close ties to Shiro Fujimoto, who will become the next Paladin. You would think these connections suggest she is a strong follower of the Faith. But that's not what I see in her life."

Yuri: "Whoa… is this, like, the time of judgment or whatever? Dude, are you God? I've always wanted to meet you! Is it true you're an angry alcoholic? Have you ever been diagnosed with Narcissism? I ask because there's like, tens of thousands of deities, but you still think you're the only one and true and best god. Are you over-compensating for something? Like maybe you have a small dick or something?"

Yahweh: "I do not know where to begin answering such impertinent questions. Yes, this is judgment. You might regret being such a smart ass when you're burning in hell. Now, let's see about your life. Hmm, you don't worship God or recognize him as the one true God, you don't believe you deserve to burn in hell, you continually disrespect the Church, Jesus, and God, and you allowed yourself to become possessed by Satan. You died bearing his spawn. Yuri Egin, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Yuri: "Um… I dunno. I'm kind of surprised I died. I'm even more surprised there's actually a system set up where my soul is sent to you after I die. Like you said, I don't think you're the one true God. But don't take it personally. I'm not trying to offend you. And I'm sure your dick is just the right size. As for being with Satan, well, I know that's controversial, and a lot of people would call it wrong. But I don't give a shit. I know I haven't done anything wrong, so anybody who thinks otherwise can kiss my cute ass."

Yahweh: "I take it this means you will not repent?"

Yuri: "Well… hmm… yeah, no. Definitely not. That sounds unpleasant."

Jesus: "But surely you will reconsider when I tell you how much I love you. I know all about you and your life and your sins. I know every time you picked your nose. I know about all the bitter sins you committed, too. Yet still, I'm in love with you. I would give my life for you. In fact, I did. I died for you. Now you don't have to go to hell, as long as you accept my love. Did I mention I love you? Isn't it great?"

Yuri: "Jesus Christ! Literally and figuratively. Slow the f*** down. I've never even met you, and you want me to accept your love? Um, I already have someone I love, and I'm good without your love."

Jesus: "I may seem like a stranger to you, but I've known you all your life. I've watched you since you were born. I'm with you everywhere you go."

Yuri: "Dude, do you not realize how creepy that is? You're a stalker. And so what if you died for me? I never asked you to. I don't see what that has to do with anything."

Yahweh: "Are you denying the love and the sacrifice of my only begotten son Jesus?"

Yuri: "More or less. I'm getting the creepy overly attached boyfriend vibe from him."

Jesus: "But I can't help it! I love you so much! Just like I love every single one of my sheep. You are part of the body of the church that is my beautiful bride! You're so pretty!"

Yuri: "I think you need mental health counseling. I'm not a sheep, and I'm not your bride. And if you want to marry a bunch of sheep, I think that means you're a furry. And you're standing too close to me. I have pepper spray and a Taser, you know."

Yahweh: "Ahem. Yuri Egin, let me spell it out for you. If you don't accept my son's love and sacrifice, you will not get into heaven."

Yuri: "That's ok. I don't believe you're the only god who keeps a heaven. Your heaven isn't absolute. There's no guarantee that anybody I know who died is actually there. Even if they were, I wouldn't want to meet most of them again. And as for enjoying eternal bliss or whatever, I don't think I'd be very happy in some snobby heaven club that sends other people into Gehenna if they disagree. So, yeah, you can shove your heaven up your not-so-cute ass."

Yahweh: "So you don't accept my son, and you don't care about your own happiness. How sad. Do you still deny that I am the one true God?"

Yuri: "Yes, but it's nothing personal. I just think you need to chillax. And don't drink so much. I've heard that kills brain cells, which could explain a lot."

Yahweh: "And do you deny that you are a sinner in need of salvation? One who, without ,Jesus, deserves an eternity suffering?"

Yuri: "Wait, are you serious? That's just evil. I thought you were an angry drunk but that's just plain evil. Do you like destroying peoples' self-confidence so much that you make them all believe they deserve hell? Wow, God. Get a life. It may be hard to accept, but not everybody hates themselves just because they're human and broke some rules. Does that hurt your feelings? Well, sorry, but grow a pair and deal with it."

Yahweh: "Yuri Egin, you have sealed your own fate. The Kingdom of Heaven cannot accept those ruled by willfulness, arrogance, and bitterness."

Yuri: "Huh? But you're extremely willful and arrogant. How come you get to rule heaven? Hmm, not very fair, is it? As for being bitter, I told you. It's nothing personal. There's nothing wrong with Christianity—it serves important roles even in the modern world—but it's not for me, personally. You've got to work on not taking things so personally."

Yahweh: "And you need to work on thinking about the consequences of your words. This concludes your judgment. You are like the weeds that need to be removed to make a perfect garden, or the chaff that is separated from the good wheat. You will be led away to the lake of fire."

Yuri: "In other words, you're giving my soul to Gehenna, right? Thanks. I've always wanted to go there. Satan told me about how you give him a certain percentage of souls that come through here. They're an interesting form of currency in divine economics. But according to Satan, being in Gehenna doesn't really feel like an eternal lake of fire, unless you're unlucky enough to be too close beside Satan's fire-breathing dragon form. He gives off a f*** ton of heat, and newbies get scorched by him quite often."

SATAN: "You won't have to worry about getting scorched when you meet me in my domain! Not even once. And unlike most of the souls that are sent my way, I won't put you to work as a servant in my kingdom. You'll rule Gehenna by my side.

Yuri: "Satan! Dude! I missed you so much, you big dick! How dare you let me die like that! It's all in the past though. What are you doing here, though?"

Satan: "I'm crashing your day of judgment, of course. I'm here to personally escort you to Gehenna. You're not affected by my flames, so you won't suffer at all. Like I said, I will make you my Queen."

Yuri: "Sounds great! Hey God, are we about done here? I'd like to hurry on to hell now."

Yahweh: "… Yes, we are done. Go to hell, Yuri Egin. And Satan… I've never seen such a crazy, demon-loving, disrespectful, and sassy woman before. You're perfect for each other. And she's pretty. So, you know… even though we're enemies, well… good for you. Now get going already."

Satan: "Yes sir! Maybe we'll drink tonight and talk it over! See ya, Yahweh!"

Yuri: "Sweet! And we get to ride to hell on a hell giant bat! I couldn't think of anything more romantic. I love you, Satan."

Satan: "I love you too, Yuri. Now, are you sure you're ok with this? Ruling in Gehenna is a big job. We won't have as much time to goof around like we did for the past year. We won't be able to see our sons except through portal openings and reports from spy demons. The twins will be raised by Shiro and will likely become our enemies in the Order of the True Cross."

Yuri: "Well, I'm just happy the boys are alive and they'll be well cared for. Even if I wasn't ok with this, it's not like I have a choice at this point, right?"

Satan: "Actually… if you want… I… I could arrange to have you reincarnated. And it won't be random. With my demonic powers, I can reincarnate you as a human girl and give you your memories of your previous life. That way, when you grow up, you can go find our sons and live a normal life by their side. You'll be younger than them, but I'm sure family bonds would come naturally as a result of you being connected to them in your past life. This won't be an easy task… and more than likely, you'll be born as a normal human who can't survive being possessed me. In other words… you'd live without me."

Yuri: "Well, F*** that. Sure, I love my kids. I'll do what I can to watch them while they grow. And someday, I'll try to persuade them that demons aren't so bad. And that their father is the most wonderful demon king in the universe. But that's enough for me. In the meantime, I want to be with you in Gehenna. I want to be with you there forever. I want to live with you, love you, have awesome demon sex, and rule the underworld."

Satan: "You're as crazy as ever, you demon-lover. I'm happy, Yuri. I couldn't have imagined a better ending for us. We'll get married in Gehenna, and you will become the demon queen."

Yuri: "What a wonderful courtship we've had. Thank you for everything we experienced together, and thank you for the future that we will begin today."

Satan: "I should be the one thanking you. I know so much more about Assiah and humans now. And I found someone I really get along with for the first time in hundreds of years. Thank you, my dear Yuri."

Yuri: "It's always my pleasure, my dear Satan."

The End


End file.
